Floating...

i went to Milwaukee this past Wednesday with two very dear friends. our first stop was the Milwaukee Art Museum (MAM). i've been there countless times, the other two were virgins. it was probably the best visit i've ever had. i didn't have to stop in front of paintings and explain my thoughts...i walked through the museum as i should...someone who's been there many times, but still enjoys it. i walked slowly past 'things' i thoroughly enjoy, and i skipped entire rooms i have no interest in. i got to see two of my favorites. very far from pencil, ink or paint. a statue of a janitor so real i still think it's possible it's an actual human being. and a little, little man who has fallen from his chair only to have it crush his head. he reveals deep dark secrets no one should ever know. if you've never been to MAM, then that last bit might be confusing. but we came across something that wasn't there the last time i was...a room called "The Infinity Room". even from the outside it looked ominous. it's walls painted black. we walked around the walls and the man 'manning' the exhibit told us to put shoe guards on our shoes. like the ones you see in hospitals. we walked up the 4 steps, in front of the fake velvet curtain acting as a door and was met with a bit of fear. or, at least i was. what's behind it? infinity? how can i see infinity? i walked in first to be met by what felt like millions of stars. i was floating. walking carefully across what i thought was either glass or nothingness. top, bottom, left and right...all you could see were millions of tiny little lights. i could tell you exactly what the artist did to realistically expain what i saw and felt, but that wouldn't be fair to you or the artist. instead...i will tell you what i felt, outside of what was real. it's mixed and i still haven't made sense of it...

looking through these 'stars' i felt as if i could see into a future of nothing. complete blackness and the unknown. and really...when you think about it...when you try to imagine what your life will be like, whatever image or story you conjure, it's all unknown.

i felt completely insignificant. but, i didn't feel as if i didn't matter...i felt like a very small part of a larger scheme.

i felt like all the problems i have or will have will be solved regardless of their outcome in whatever fashion it chooses. in other words, what will be will be, let it be...or whatever lyric you like.

i instantly felt at peace with everything. every problem i have, every thought nagging my brain seemed unimportant. it was replaced with a great importance. it seemed to erase all sense of being.

and then i felt sick. from the feeling of floating and from the feeling of not being in control. how do we really know that we are? if i make choice A instead of B is that the right choice that will get me to the coveted answer C? who knows.

i walked out, verbally saying it was pretty awesome. but on the inside, i was fighting all these mixed feelings.

i want to go back. i want to sit on the floor amongst these 'stars' for as long as they'll let me. for some reason, i think if i was able to soak up this space...i might find an answer or two.