this is sort of a response to Pancake's review of his recent church experience. i'm wordy today.
i haven't been to church in many years (i exclude the baptisms and funerals in the past couple years...life and death). so many years that i can't even guess at a number. in true catholic tradition, once you reach the ripe age of 17 you are no longer obligated to wake up early on Sunday morning to sit next to your mom on an uncomfortable wooden pew and pretend you're listening. i didn't turn my back on God, i just decided to keep walking.
i was raised with religion. i attended Sunday school, which even 'back in the day' wasn't held on Sunday. i don't remember one piece of information i was taught in Sunday school. i'm not sure if it's because i wasn't paying attention, i just didn't get it, or i have since forgotten. my mother read books about angels and saints. she joined a group/club of St. Francis of Assisi. she would bring me with her during their meetings and social events. i remember those. i remember those because it seemed to have nothing to do with honoring or 'doing the work' of St. Francis. at the meetings women would belittle the women that weren't able to show up, or anyone out of earshot. rumors spread like wildfire. if you couldn't pay your dues you were banned from meetings, unpolitely. they would have bake sales and yard sales raising money for whatever cause they felt strongly about. half of the profits would go right back to the church to pay for the use of their meeting room. it all just seemed silly and fake. the fact that i was 12 and realized that must mean something.
i had never felt any desire to attend church after my fathers death. i was probably still holding onto the anger. and really, i felt that if i were to step foot in a church, the guilt would be unbearable. so i avoided it altogether. i went to visit a once good friend in Milwaukee one winter, some years ago. when he asked me to come visit he had promised me a relaxing night of Charles Mingus, Coltrane, vodka and conversation. and at the end of that promise he informed me that he would like to attend a service at his local Episcopalian church. it was a special service with a boy's choir and he was told that the church would be lit by candlelight only. i agreed to the music, drink and talk, but told him that 'we'd see how the night went' in regards to church. after much debate and vodka he convinced me to walk down the block to the church. i remember being worried about my attire. i thought i was dressed too casual. he assured me it was fine. and as we were walking, suddenly, i knew that i'd end up sitting in a pew...crying. i told my friend that i'd like to turn back, he could go, but let me go back. i didn't want to cry in church. he assured me it would fine, and that he would be crying with me.
the church was beautiful even on the outside. made of heavy stone, colorful stained glass, iron and heavy wooden doors. the pews were a dark cherry wood, lit by towers of candles. to the left of the pews behind a black iron gate stood the boys choir, robed in white. we sat down and within the first note those boys released from their lips, i wept. i couldn't stop it. i didn't want to. it was a quite sob. tears just streaming. my friend held my hand and we continued to sit there in silence and tears.
the service ended and i practically bolted out the door. i didn't want the other church-goers to see my red and tear stained face. with my friend behind me i walked briskly back to his apartment. we didn't say a word to eachother. we both walked in silence as i cried even more.
to this day i am unsure as to what was causing me to cry. the guilt of being raised Catholic, the beauty of the church and the sound of the choir, the anger and abandonment i still felt from my father's funeral...i don't know. a combination perhaps. and since then, i haven't been to church. but i have thought about it.
i did think about attending these new 'hip' services. filled with music that sounds nothing like a boy's choir accompanied by an old organ. Pastors or Ministers that speak more from the mind and heart rather than straight from an ancient book. but, the more i thought about it, the more it pushed me away. to me, it just isn't supposed to be that way. i'd rather be surrounded in deep set history. old stone, wooden pews, white robes, stinky incense, latin, unhip Priests and the ancient book. i'm a sucker for history. i'm drawn to it. i crave it. it's why i like buying used clothes and furniture. it's why i fell in love with Massachusetts. it's why church was bearable. i don't want something new or the same with a shiny new cover. i want it to be old, used, weathered, set in it's place, full of tradition. i want to be able to feel it's history.
i'd love to go to church again. but considering my views, i'd enter that church a hypocrite. and being Catholic, i imagine myself instantly turning into dust once the holy water touched my fingers. guilty guilty guilty.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
Just Words...
his skin is pale in the dark room lit only by the blue numbered lights. who was once an intimidating, stark figure, strong and proud, within moments, diminished into hunks of flesh and emotion. she lays there, frigid, cold to the touch, unable to speak because feelings are now foreign and unwanted. she can't embrace, he won't believe it or feel it. her deliberate solitude has made her this way and his wounded heart makes a mess she tries to ignore. she does feel it, deep inside. the guilt of being selfish. but now she has accepted it and let it become the rule. he will awake next to her, miles apart, covered in sweat. he thinks she sleeps soundly, unaware of his struggle. but it wakes her, the notion of emotional fiber breaking down. she is awake and waiting for it to pass so that in the morning, when it is time, she can pretend she's the same person he once knew.
It's a Fool...
And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.
i was having a particularly rough day at work. i don't think i'd be able to say exactly what was wrong, or just not right. i didn't have anything planned, so no plans were foiled. it was just a feeling. a feeling of being empty and it being my fault. i stood outside, a warmer day than it has been, to feed the addiction. as i stood there, there was a man standing on the sidewalk with a small digital camera. the camera was pointed down, at his feet. he concentrated on the image of his shoes for a moment, and i heard the camera 'snap'. he took a picture of his shoes. he stood there, a few feet from me either unaware of my presence or indifferent. with his camera still fixed on his shoes he put his left leg forward, in front of the right, and took another picture. this time, assumably, of his left shoe. i thought this odd, but i continued to watch unabashedly. he took a few more steps down the sidewalk, possibly 5 to 6, stopped and once again, digitally captured his shoes on cold concrete. nothing was going through my head as he was doing this. i was just...fascinated. i kept watching, and he would stop 2 more times on that sidewalk as he walked towards the door...snapping pictures of the same thing. once he entered the store i quickly threw my cigarette into the parking lot. i've tried flicking cigarettes and i always end up burning my fingers. if at first you don't succeed, try something else. so i followed this man inside. he made his way to the restrooms and i thought, well, that was nice while it lasted. i really have no interest in seeing what goes on in our men's restroom. but he stopped. right before the doorway. he stood there with his camera pointed straight in front of him, at the wall. but before he snapped another seemingly pointless picture he put his right hand inches in front of the camera, palm in. 'snap'. now i was thinking. he had done it. he got me out of my indescribable blue mood and replaced it with utter intrigue. why? what was he doing? is it a new camera and he's testing the functions? i just don't know. so i stood there next to the restrooms by the cafe and watched him walk by me. i didn't bother to look busy by staring at the cafe menu. i stared. head and eyes following him. he stopped again and by the look on his face i would say he was thinking to himself..what else can i do? he pointed the camera down with his right hand, took the corner of his jacket in his left hand and lifted it away from his body. 'snap'. he looked at what he had captured with no expression on his face. no hint for my questions of why and what. he continued past the cafe and for a moment i thought, i will spend my entire hour lunch following a stranger taking pictures of random boring objects and it will be the best hour of my day, of my week. but, he kept walking, i kept following. outside the doors, down the sidewalk. he didn't stop. his camera was now placed in his pocket. he ended it. what's even more perplexing is that he went into the store and did nothing. he didn't browse. he didn't buy. he didn't even use the restroom he almost walked into. all he did was take pictures of things he didn't need to go into a store in order to do. just...odd. i did think about stopping him on his way out. just ask. end my pondering by seeking the answer. but i didn't. any answer to what my questions were would have been a let down. it would have made sense, i imagine. and that's not what i was after. i like being curious and i like not finding the answer.
the blue settled back in quickly and i still had a half hour to kill with no stranger to follow. so i sat in a co-worker's car to smoke in peace. i turned the key in hopes of finding something decent on the radio to ignore and what came on was her cd she had playing. and the speakers said "and anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain...". i smiled and listened to Hey Jude intently, as if it were the first time i heard it. maybe it was. my smile stayed. the blue on the side, on hold. i smiled and wished i could write paragraphs like the Beatles write songs. i smiled and wished i had a picture of my shoes, hand and jacket.
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.
i was having a particularly rough day at work. i don't think i'd be able to say exactly what was wrong, or just not right. i didn't have anything planned, so no plans were foiled. it was just a feeling. a feeling of being empty and it being my fault. i stood outside, a warmer day than it has been, to feed the addiction. as i stood there, there was a man standing on the sidewalk with a small digital camera. the camera was pointed down, at his feet. he concentrated on the image of his shoes for a moment, and i heard the camera 'snap'. he took a picture of his shoes. he stood there, a few feet from me either unaware of my presence or indifferent. with his camera still fixed on his shoes he put his left leg forward, in front of the right, and took another picture. this time, assumably, of his left shoe. i thought this odd, but i continued to watch unabashedly. he took a few more steps down the sidewalk, possibly 5 to 6, stopped and once again, digitally captured his shoes on cold concrete. nothing was going through my head as he was doing this. i was just...fascinated. i kept watching, and he would stop 2 more times on that sidewalk as he walked towards the door...snapping pictures of the same thing. once he entered the store i quickly threw my cigarette into the parking lot. i've tried flicking cigarettes and i always end up burning my fingers. if at first you don't succeed, try something else. so i followed this man inside. he made his way to the restrooms and i thought, well, that was nice while it lasted. i really have no interest in seeing what goes on in our men's restroom. but he stopped. right before the doorway. he stood there with his camera pointed straight in front of him, at the wall. but before he snapped another seemingly pointless picture he put his right hand inches in front of the camera, palm in. 'snap'. now i was thinking. he had done it. he got me out of my indescribable blue mood and replaced it with utter intrigue. why? what was he doing? is it a new camera and he's testing the functions? i just don't know. so i stood there next to the restrooms by the cafe and watched him walk by me. i didn't bother to look busy by staring at the cafe menu. i stared. head and eyes following him. he stopped again and by the look on his face i would say he was thinking to himself..what else can i do? he pointed the camera down with his right hand, took the corner of his jacket in his left hand and lifted it away from his body. 'snap'. he looked at what he had captured with no expression on his face. no hint for my questions of why and what. he continued past the cafe and for a moment i thought, i will spend my entire hour lunch following a stranger taking pictures of random boring objects and it will be the best hour of my day, of my week. but, he kept walking, i kept following. outside the doors, down the sidewalk. he didn't stop. his camera was now placed in his pocket. he ended it. what's even more perplexing is that he went into the store and did nothing. he didn't browse. he didn't buy. he didn't even use the restroom he almost walked into. all he did was take pictures of things he didn't need to go into a store in order to do. just...odd. i did think about stopping him on his way out. just ask. end my pondering by seeking the answer. but i didn't. any answer to what my questions were would have been a let down. it would have made sense, i imagine. and that's not what i was after. i like being curious and i like not finding the answer.
the blue settled back in quickly and i still had a half hour to kill with no stranger to follow. so i sat in a co-worker's car to smoke in peace. i turned the key in hopes of finding something decent on the radio to ignore and what came on was her cd she had playing. and the speakers said "and anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain...". i smiled and listened to Hey Jude intently, as if it were the first time i heard it. maybe it was. my smile stayed. the blue on the side, on hold. i smiled and wished i could write paragraphs like the Beatles write songs. i smiled and wished i had a picture of my shoes, hand and jacket.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
A Few Less Habits and a List...
a few changes and excitement down the road. and here comes the fragments.
i finally made it to the grocery store, with a list this time. when i go without a list of my needs, my mind fights my eyes. do i need it? should i get it? and forget about 'did i forget anything?'. of course i did. i stocked up on fresh fruit, vegetables, beans, fish, good bread and fake meat. my old, healthy diet is back and hopefully, here to stay. but i will say, it's a bit worrisome. the last time i was on this 'diet', i was a meat eater and a carb shunner. i'd eat a couple pieces of turkey and cheese for lunch or some baked chicken and steamed veggies for dinner. low fat, almost no carbs. now that meat is no longer in my vocab, it's going to be difficult to stay away from carbs and still be left satisfied. unfortunately, i don't have the patience or time to create mouth watering dishes from the bible of Vegans. i'll just have to be creative. when i was at the store i walked right past the Diet Coke. i'm gonna kick that habit once again. although, i did buy some white grape Diet Rite. sometimes i just need that fizziness. we'll see how it goes with a shockingly less amount of caffeine throughout the day. no more ColdBrewed Caramel Mochas at work. torture.
i kicked the habit of MySpace. today was my first time back on the computer since i pressed 'Cancel'. and..i struggled. as soon as FireFox loaded i began typing...'My..'. no no. that space is no longer mine. i can say, i really don't feel as if it was an addiction. it was a deep habit. my fingers are still trying to find it...that's all. it's very peaceful here. i think i'll stay.
if everything goes as planned i should be rollin' by mid-March. i'm almost to the point where i'm comfortable parting with a large sum of money for a set of wheels. i'm being extra smart and careful this time. i don't want to be broke, with a car that isn't registered or titled. and i am very thankful for the people that have allowed me to be extra smart and careful. hauling my less broken ass back and forth to work, perhaps not gladly, but patiently.
i finished reading The History of Swimming, by Kim Powers. i tried something new this time. i put down the book and saved the last chapter so that i could hold onto the feeling of a good read. it took me 2 weeks to read this book. a book so good it would have only taken me 4 days if i were still greedy. i highly suggest it. and i highly suggest you remember...new Augusten Burroughs in April entitled 'Wolf at the Table'. and..and..new Chuck Klosterman in September (or forever), the title of his book has escaped my memory. i'll remember by August.
i finally made it to the grocery store, with a list this time. when i go without a list of my needs, my mind fights my eyes. do i need it? should i get it? and forget about 'did i forget anything?'. of course i did. i stocked up on fresh fruit, vegetables, beans, fish, good bread and fake meat. my old, healthy diet is back and hopefully, here to stay. but i will say, it's a bit worrisome. the last time i was on this 'diet', i was a meat eater and a carb shunner. i'd eat a couple pieces of turkey and cheese for lunch or some baked chicken and steamed veggies for dinner. low fat, almost no carbs. now that meat is no longer in my vocab, it's going to be difficult to stay away from carbs and still be left satisfied. unfortunately, i don't have the patience or time to create mouth watering dishes from the bible of Vegans. i'll just have to be creative. when i was at the store i walked right past the Diet Coke. i'm gonna kick that habit once again. although, i did buy some white grape Diet Rite. sometimes i just need that fizziness. we'll see how it goes with a shockingly less amount of caffeine throughout the day. no more ColdBrewed Caramel Mochas at work. torture.
i kicked the habit of MySpace. today was my first time back on the computer since i pressed 'Cancel'. and..i struggled. as soon as FireFox loaded i began typing...'My..'. no no. that space is no longer mine. i can say, i really don't feel as if it was an addiction. it was a deep habit. my fingers are still trying to find it...that's all. it's very peaceful here. i think i'll stay.
if everything goes as planned i should be rollin' by mid-March. i'm almost to the point where i'm comfortable parting with a large sum of money for a set of wheels. i'm being extra smart and careful this time. i don't want to be broke, with a car that isn't registered or titled. and i am very thankful for the people that have allowed me to be extra smart and careful. hauling my less broken ass back and forth to work, perhaps not gladly, but patiently.
i finished reading The History of Swimming, by Kim Powers. i tried something new this time. i put down the book and saved the last chapter so that i could hold onto the feeling of a good read. it took me 2 weeks to read this book. a book so good it would have only taken me 4 days if i were still greedy. i highly suggest it. and i highly suggest you remember...new Augusten Burroughs in April entitled 'Wolf at the Table'. and..and..new Chuck Klosterman in September (or forever), the title of his book has escaped my memory. i'll remember by August.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Close...
almost there. and i feel even more ridiculous when i realize the fact that getting rid of MySpace is making me anxious like a child with half a day left of summer vacation. i just read some bulletins and i wanted to scream. 'check out my new pics', 'check out my new layout', 'i'm sad, cheer me up'. me, me, me, fake, fake, fake. yes, i'll miss it..of course. but i'd much rather be anonymous.
someone sent me a message, called me a liar and told me to just go to Facebook. why. as i told him, why would i sever one head just to grow another?
silly.
someone sent me a message, called me a liar and told me to just go to Facebook. why. as i told him, why would i sever one head just to grow another?
silly.
Monday, January 21, 2008
And What...
last night i had a dream that, i think, was meant to be a video. ya know, like back in the day when MTV was good. and it wasn't only because John Lennon, Yoko and Julian Lennon were in it. it just felt...money. i am serious. a dream filled with icons, as iconic as Yoko can get. they were singing, but i couldn't hear them. i was watching, but it was moving too fast. i tried to feel it, but it swept past my fingers.
i'm reading a memoir about a twin who lost his twin, his search to find him. and, sometimes, it feels like i'm searching for my twin. i am a Gemini, alas. my other half sees the sea and takes it for granted while i see me and...
what.
i'm reading a memoir about a twin who lost his twin, his search to find him. and, sometimes, it feels like i'm searching for my twin. i am a Gemini, alas. my other half sees the sea and takes it for granted while i see me and...
what.
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