Red, Gold and Green...

i told a story a long time ago about my mother slipping on a patch of ice and when she stood up to brush herself off, she looked up at the sky and yelled at God blaming him for all of her misfortune. i didn't want to feel like that, or be like that. blaming some sort of force for life's mishaps. after this past weekend, although i'm not blaming, it does feel like there is some sort of force behind what appears to be a black cloud.

no one ever said that getting a car would be easy, i knew i wouldn't be able to walk through a car lot, point to a car and have an eager car salesman hand me the keys with a gleaming white smile. my fantasies aren't that far fetched, really. but i really wasn't expecting everything to go wrong. the car i had my heart set on sold a few hours before i went to the car lot. an older version of the car i had my heart set on was misadvertised as ready to finance when really, it was being sold for a private owner. and then i was denied financing because my credit is not bad, nor good. it's just...mediocre. so my day of car shopping was fruitless and a huge slap in the face. i went home, completely deflated. and now, i'm still waiting for a bank to give an answer about financing through them. what's funny is, i chose to dish out some money and have a car payment at the beginning of what financial analysts call a 'recession'. banks are less willing to hand out loans. lucky me.

this whole carless situation just makes me think back to other situations that have gone awry. when i think about it, it does seem as if something/someone is creating a barrier of bad luck. i don't believe in luck and i've always firmly believed that the only person responsible for their own misfortune, is themselves. however, i do believe in karma. i pick and choose my beliefs really...like any good Catholic.

David and i had a conversation about karma some years ago. oddly enough, standing in a long line late at night at Wal-Mart. there was a massive display of batteries near us and surrounding the display, the floor was littered with packages of batteries that had fallen off. people were walking by, shuffling the batteries closer to the display with their foot. he looked down, picked up every package and hung them neatly with the rest of their kind. i asked him why he did that, out of curiosity. he said that he had been thinking about karma more and more these days. and that he was doing good deeds to build his possible future good fortune. i thought that was rather silly. if karma does exist, does it really count to do good deeds for the sole purpose of receiving something in return at some point? aren't you supposed to be naturally good natured and do things out of the kindness of your heart, with no intent to further yourself? i wouldn't look at a piece of garbage on the ground, think to myself 'well if i pick it up and place it in the garbage i'll be building my karma points'. i'd look at a piece of garbage on the ground, pick it up and place it in the garbage because seeing litter disgusts me. of course he disagreed. any good deed no matter the intent is still karma worthy. mhm.

i've never really been able to fully enjoy situations going right. they may start out right, first with good hope and strong intent, but shortly after, it all just falls apart. hope turns into despair and my strong intent turns into a mushy mess of 'what now'. finding love, losing love. moving only to return home just weeks later. making friends, losing friends. having money, money taken away. sunny day, blizzard within hours. the usual. so is it karma? and if it is, haven't i paid in full...and then some? yes, i've done some pretty horrible things in my life, but i'd like to think that for the past couple years i've been 'good' inside and out. i must say, it feels like i'm paying for something.

now, i'm not glaring at the sky screaming at a force i can not see. blaming it for the wrong. i'm not even trying to find something to hold responsible. can i blame myself? sure i can. do i still believe that i deserve good fortune? sure i do.

all i'm really saying is....i'm tired. it's like i'm at war. i keep hitting the front line with the wrong gear and having to retreat and regroup. right now, i'm gathering more soldiers in hopes to overwhelm the enemy. but i am afraid. i'm afraid that eventually, i'll run out of ideas, and i'll have to pull out the white flag.

and that's my metaphor of the day.

oh...if you get the reference stated in the blog title, i'll give you a tasty treat. or, just a smile.

Keep It...

i've been quiet for almost a month it seems. sometimes life is just very plain. or sometimes, life needs you to keep your fingers to yourself.

childish things fill my head. insecurities run amok. people make me dislike my kind. boys push me closer to girls. Oprah is going to send me to a gun store. Favre...you dick.

i had a dream that we were in a pet store. you made me feel very guilty for refusing to get a puppy. i wanted the kitty. jerk.