Floating...

i went to Milwaukee this past Wednesday with two very dear friends. our first stop was the Milwaukee Art Museum (MAM). i've been there countless times, the other two were virgins. it was probably the best visit i've ever had. i didn't have to stop in front of paintings and explain my thoughts...i walked through the museum as i should...someone who's been there many times, but still enjoys it. i walked slowly past 'things' i thoroughly enjoy, and i skipped entire rooms i have no interest in. i got to see two of my favorites. very far from pencil, ink or paint. a statue of a janitor so real i still think it's possible it's an actual human being. and a little, little man who has fallen from his chair only to have it crush his head. he reveals deep dark secrets no one should ever know. if you've never been to MAM, then that last bit might be confusing. but we came across something that wasn't there the last time i was...a room called "The Infinity Room". even from the outside it looked ominous. it's walls painted black. we walked around the walls and the man 'manning' the exhibit told us to put shoe guards on our shoes. like the ones you see in hospitals. we walked up the 4 steps, in front of the fake velvet curtain acting as a door and was met with a bit of fear. or, at least i was. what's behind it? infinity? how can i see infinity? i walked in first to be met by what felt like millions of stars. i was floating. walking carefully across what i thought was either glass or nothingness. top, bottom, left and right...all you could see were millions of tiny little lights. i could tell you exactly what the artist did to realistically expain what i saw and felt, but that wouldn't be fair to you or the artist. instead...i will tell you what i felt, outside of what was real. it's mixed and i still haven't made sense of it...

looking through these 'stars' i felt as if i could see into a future of nothing. complete blackness and the unknown. and really...when you think about it...when you try to imagine what your life will be like, whatever image or story you conjure, it's all unknown.

i felt completely insignificant. but, i didn't feel as if i didn't matter...i felt like a very small part of a larger scheme.

i felt like all the problems i have or will have will be solved regardless of their outcome in whatever fashion it chooses. in other words, what will be will be, let it be...or whatever lyric you like.

i instantly felt at peace with everything. every problem i have, every thought nagging my brain seemed unimportant. it was replaced with a great importance. it seemed to erase all sense of being.

and then i felt sick. from the feeling of floating and from the feeling of not being in control. how do we really know that we are? if i make choice A instead of B is that the right choice that will get me to the coveted answer C? who knows.

i walked out, verbally saying it was pretty awesome. but on the inside, i was fighting all these mixed feelings.

i want to go back. i want to sit on the floor amongst these 'stars' for as long as they'll let me. for some reason, i think if i was able to soak up this space...i might find an answer or two.

Limbless Babies and Poisonous Alligators...

i was at work in the back office. everything looked exactly the same except, the room was lit by only one flickering florescent light. the kind of flicker that if you notice it for too long, you start feeling violent. everyone was walking around frantically. as if there was some sort of top secret deadline and everyone's ass was on the line. there was a knock at the door...the money man had arrived. what we call the 'money man' is a Guarda employee...delivering change and picking up bank deposits. i led the way to the cash office and when i opened the door, light seemed to pour out the entry like a vine. the money man and i stepped into the cash office and he handed me the change order...along with a 7 month old baby. i didn't find this odd. it seemed incredibly normal that with every change order, you receive a baby. i took the baby, signed the delivery receipt and let the money man go on his way. i opened the safe with baby in arm and as i reached for the bag of change, on the floor was an alligator. not a large one. i would say it wasn't a baby alligator, more like an early teenager. i ran for the door, but of course, it wouldn't open. the alligator started to lunge and snap at the baby's legs. it eventually got a firm mouthful of flesh and started tearing away at this poor child's legs. but the baby never screamed or cried. it had no expression whatsoever. it looked, indifferent. it mauled it's legs so severely you couldn't even tell they were once healthy limbs. then the alligator started to attack my right arm and leg. i felt no pain, but was very worried. somehow, i knew that this alligator's bite was not ordinary. his bite was full of poison. on the desk was a bic pen and a razor blade. as if taunting me, 'choose wisely'. i thought about it for a second, i wouldn't be able to use the blade because i would actually have to slice into this alligator. i didn't think i had the stomach for it. so i picked up the pen and tried to puncture this alligator. the pen did nothing. i don't even think it left an ink mark. i threw the pen down and managed to tear my arm away from the alligator's poisonous teeth, tried the door again and it opened without effort. i ran out leaving the alligator behind, still holding on to this silent limbless baby. the back room was still in chaos. i went over to Mike and Rox's desks and tried to tell them what had happened. they were in the middle of frantically discussing the schedule and even when i pointed to my now deformed right arm, they were not concerned. Mike told me to be quiet...he was trying to talk to Rox. i pointed to my arm. my pinky finger no longer existed. the flesh was there with no bone. and my arm had turned completely black and numb, from the poison. i walked away from them to nurse my own wounds and met Stephen. he saw the tattered baby and my arm and asked me what was wrong. but he asked it with no concern in his voice. it was just a matter of fact. i told him what had happened and he quietly sat us down, he sighed and then walked away. the dream seemed to skip. like a '3 months later' flash in a movie. i was now being threatened by the company. they planned on firing me because the foster family that takes these 'change order babies' was very upset that i let that alligator eat off it's legs. what good would a legless baby be? i woke up before any decisions were made as to what to do about my lack of heroism. needless to say, the next day at work, when the money man arrived, i conveniently was no where to be found.